Doggone it

Here I am again! Do you need the laundry list of excuses? Probs not eh. If you are reading this you probably know me so you are familiar with everything that’s happened in the past 14 months, and also with how astoundingly lazy I can be. (See also: abbreviating words like ‘probably’.)

Instead here is a picture of my dog. Yeah, we got a dog.

Just chillaxing on my super expensive bed that I mostly haven’t eaten… yet

So! Once upon a time I decided I would make a wonderful agony aunt/advice columnist. I still stand by that assertion. For the most part the questions that I received in response to my call for submissions were… not so much cries for help, as the ravings of a bunch of loonies. I do so love my friends. So I have answered them anyway. Enjoy.

1. Should you mate a mongoose with a possum?

If you did you could call it a mossgum, so absolutely, yes. Also because when I Googled ‘mongoose possum’ I got this image for no good reason:

WTF

2. What are the key factors that one should consider when trying to decide when/if to return to live in NZ after living abroad?

Well, firstly if you want to buy a house (in Auckland, at least) you’d better have lots of lovely foreign worth-more-than-ours money saved up cos the market’s freaking nuts here.

New Zealand is the same as it used to be in a lot of ways. And sadly we still have a creepy, lying Prime Minister. It’s not the utopia you might feel nostalgic about sometimes.

BUT it’s also changing. there are good places to eat, and things happening in town. Don’t get sucked into that condescending idea some expats get… you know, that just because the dairy on the corner is the same as when you left and the public transport still hasn’t caught up to some of the world’s major cities, we’re all a bunch of hicks who go to bed at 9pm every night. Well, maybe I do. But I’m a nana.

In closing, you should move home if you want to get a dog. And then your dog can play with my dog.

3. What levels of excitement are considered excessive when searching for a sheep & wool factory?

If you’re going to Sheepworld, home of the comical ‘sheep’ logo that looks like a cloud with sticks and eyes (and also bright pink sheep that I’m pretty sure didn’t give their consent to the dye job), your excitement levels should be around 6-8 on a scale where 1 equals the itchy too-tight frumpy jumper your mum made you where when you were little, and 10 equals all the molecules in your body bouncing around something like this:

4. Last week I met a wonderful cronut. We spent a lovely morning together but now I have herpes. What should I do?

Dude, you better get that checked out. Maybe put some cream on it or something. And steer clear of other hybrid foods just to be sure – that rules out cronuts (dirty buggers), cruffins, muffnuts, crumpins and pizzaints. Toast is all you need.

An urgent and horrifying announcement

Okay not really. But it is very important that you read the following email conversation between me and my excellent friend Mel, who is not only the most Pinteresting person I know but also curates the shiz out of… well, life really. Please note that some of the information in this conversation is extremely sensitive and that I have obtained permission to reproduce it in full.

ME: So apparently toast is the new hipster thing. I look foward to sampling this delicacy at a dedicated Toast Emporium next time we’re in Wellington. FFS.

MEL: Maybe I should quit my day job and open it myself?

ME: You should totes open Toast. You could call it Totes Toast and sell toast and tote bags. Sustainable ones. But no infringing on my new advice column blog idea, Totes Inapropes.

ME: PS in fact you should ensure the totes are made of jute. And sell fresh-squeezed juice to go with the toast. And then Totes Toast will sell juice and toast and jute totes.

ME: OMG WHY HAS THIS NOT ALREADY HAPPENED. GET ON IT YESTERDAY

MEL: Can the tagline be, “get Mel nourished’?

ME: AHH I love it. Start searching for a retail space and I will begin work on your social media strategy!

ME: Okay here is the social media strategy:

1.#excessive #use of #hashtags
2. insult all other eateries in Wellington region via Twitter
3. Post YouTube ‘callout’ videos challenging other cafes to a breakfast duel
4. Smear campaign against crumpets
5. Insinuate that cronuts cause herpes
6. ????
7. PROFIT

MEL: Cronuts do cause herpes #tick

Fin

Evil cronut heard what you said about it

I think we can all take away some key points from this discussion. Firstly the idea of making toast a Fancy New Thing is a) stupid and b) definitely happening. Secondly, there is a reason Mel is excellent at her day job, and that reason is the speed at which she can generate puns. And thirdly*, I have decided that one of the things I am best at in all the world is telling other people what to do, and it is therefore with great pleasure that I announce that I am now taking questions for Totes Inapropes, the newest segment of this blog.

Got a dilemma? Are you wimbling and waffling over what to do about the giant, angsty, throbbing question mark in your life? I CAN TELL YOU WHAT TO DO. Come on, you know you’re dying to hear what some random 30-year-old with barely any life experience thinks is the answer! I have all the qualifications necessary for an agony aunt: a lot of opinions, all kinds of etiquette ‘rules’ handed down by very formal family members, and a keyboard.

Send your questions, real and imaginary, to amyneedsaniche@gmail.com, and the best (or all of them, depending on how many of you out there take pity on me) will be featured on the very first instalment of Totes Inapropes.

 

*There is a fourthly, too. It is ‘Amy needs to work on her Paint skillz.’